For All The Battered Women.

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Happy Mothers day! I hope all the mums had a nice mother’s day this last Sunday. For you guys in North America I think it comes up in May, but happy mothers day all the same.

Mine was nice, for some reason dh never remembers I am a mother so I wasn’t expecting anything from him, however my sister in law gave me a lovely gift. We spent the day with my mum and mother in law and of course they were happy to have their children around them. On Saturday, I spent the day with my mum at her farm. It was a bit sad for me because I know my dad would have loved to be there walking round the farm with her. It had been their retirement plan to own a farm. I was still happy to see how far my mum had come on her own, being on the farm is therapy for her. The chickens are almost ready and should weigh about 3 kg by Easter, her fish are also picking up.

In church on mothers day, the Pastor’s wife preached about women letting go and submitting to our husbands. As she said this, I wondered how a woman can submit to a mad man. If a husband is decent and treats his wife well, it’s easy enough but how can a woman submit to a man who abuses her in every imaginable way? Don’t get me wrong oh! I believe that a woman should submit to her husband even if he isn’t a good man. However, not at the expense of your salvation and your life.

I am blessed to be married to a good man but my mind went to a lady I ran into last week. I will call her Ebiere. Ebiere is my friend’s (*Tony) wife. I met her just before their wedding and she excitedly told me how romantic Tony was. “Tony charters a cab to take me round town, and spoils me silly with sexy gifts …I am so happy”. Ebiere even went back to school because of Tony. “He is so brilliant,” she gushed “I want to be a lawyer like him”.

However after a few months I began to see the cracks. You see, they had been Catholics all this time when suddenly Tony said he wanted to return to the Seventh Day Adventist where he grew up. Ebi didn’t understand because before they got married he told her he wasn’t particular about church and would go anywhere she wanted. suddenly he was changing his mind. He told her to leave if she didn’t want to come to his church. She reluctantly agreed and said she had actually started to enjoy it. After a while I lost touch with Ebi and Tony.

When I accidentally ran into her last week, I was taken aback by what she told me.

Me: “Long time! How is Tony?”
Ebi: “We are not together anymore”
Me: “What do you mean? When? Why?”
Ebi: “It’s been about a year now oh”
Me: “Ah! but I saw Tony a few months ago and he didn’t tell me anything, was it about church?”
Ebi: “How will he tell you? Shameless man! If na church matter I for stay now. The man was beating me. I ended up in the hospital about 6 times. When my siblings heard about it, they came and packed my belongings”
Me: “Tony… beat..? I can’t believe it, what happened?”
Ebi: ” Tony na mad man; if I wear trouser, e go beat me. If I talk, e go beat me. If my family visit, e go beat me… haba! See the stitches now (she showed me the stitches on her fore head) Abeg I try for that man. After beating me, he go give me money and buy me more gifts. Replaced all the blood soaked clothes with new ones. He even beat me when I was pregnant because I refused to eat the food he bought me”

(Mouth open wide)

Ebi: “Ah my sister na God save me. You know that your brother is a giant. My doctor said he almost damaged my vital organs. The money comforted me for a while but my life is more precious than money”.

I was surprised because Tony, the perfect gentleman was a monster all this time.

I hugged her and told her how sorry I was. I had no idea anything like that was going on. When her parents reported to his family they said they were not surprised as his brother (who raised him) had battered his late wife, they were however a bit shocked that he didn’t learn from that as he was especially close to his brother’s wife and often shielded her from his brother’s abuse.

Na wa! This is like the third wife battery story I have heard in the last six months.

I know a lot of our mothers stayed in abusive homes, and people ask why? Well many of them had no where else to go. They had no education or/and money and they were not welcome back home, some were scared of the stigma attached to being a single mum. Many stayed because of you; they knew that if they left they would never see you again. If your mother went through this, love her and make her feel safe and let her know no one will ever hurt her again.

If you are being battered, now I ain’t talking about the one slap he gave you when you called him names (not that slapping is acceptable) but if he is BEATING you, do yourself (and your children) a favour and walk out of that home (at least till the abusive behaviour stops). I am anti-divorce but do you want to die at the hands of a mad man? I only know of one man who beat his wife and has now become a new man. Do you want your son to grow up seeing a man beat a woman and probably do the same himself? Do you want your daughter growing up in that kind of negative environment? Please go to your church and seek support. I know in naija it’s hard to get help but a few shelters exist in Nigeria for women who need help.

To all the baby mama’s HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

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12 Comments

  1. Yay! The first time I am first on any blog! lol!
    This battering thing is so rampant in Nigeria and was very much accepted! At least now, women have a sense of worth and are walking out on abussive marriages, not just’staying for the kids’ because there’s no where to go!
    My Mother’s day blog was sorta about this, My Moum had the courage to walk away from all the wealth to nothing! I love and respect her so much for it! If she could do that then, imagine one man wanting to come and slap me now! lol! As if! Hiss! That will definitely be his last slap!
    Nice to see you had a wonderful Mother’s day!
    Enjoy your week dear.

  2. Happy Mothers day girllll!!!!!!

    Yes you preached it right…Battered Women need to really think about whats good and whats not when it comes to their wellbeing and children and many other factors…

    Its not easy. It really isnt. For you to love a man that hits you and wants to hurt you.

    More strength to all battered women!!!!

    And Happy Belated Mothers Day!

  3. Happy Mother’s Day to you hon! I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. Your mom and mines sound very, very much alike.
    I hate reading or hearing of women being battered. I’m so sorry she went through that, but the good thing is that she is alive to live and tell her story and be an encouragement to other women.

  4. Happy Belated mother’s Day. as far as the abuse that our women decide to put up with, na wa. It’s not worth it to have a perfect public life and meanwhile live in your own private hell. Especially if you have children, leave. If you don’t leave you’re changing the lives of your children, the way they see themselves and the way they relate to other people; its not fair to them.
    But also we all need to shine our eyes well well, because the signs are there, we just need to choose to see the signs. if he’s twisting your arms 4 months into dating, asking you where you’ve been at 9pm, that thing is probably going to escalate given time. When we see these signs, no matter how wonderful mr. wonderful is, you need to reevaluate. Now as much as i believe in the power of prayer, don’t say (as someone’s girlfriend) that you’ll pray for him to change. Stop settling, save yourself and leave.

  5. sometimes i really wonder about these things…in church on sunday, the pastor was describing a situation where the husband was chronically (lol…if that word is applicable) cheating on his wife and after one particular incident when she caught him in bed with another woman in her marital home, she carried on as usual…didnt say anything, didnt tell anyone….long and short, it led to his eventual repentance. his story was again supposed to show what a good submissive, virtous wife she was but i was a bit like hmm….as in theres virtousness and there’s mugu…i’m not sure ignoring your husbands infidelities is the way fwd. these things are just soooo….. lol. now im rambling.

  6. @lady bug- congratulations!I read that post she’s a great woman.
    @bobby- thank you!I hope you had a good one
    @lady A–interesting how people in different parts of the world can be so alike..about my (ex) friends wife she’s pretty confused now I just pray for her healing
    @moni! how are U? i hear you, no one should waste time in a violent relationship.
    @nanya- lol..will do
    @kpakpando..very true..the lady in my story sayd he beat her once before the wedding. Her mum found out and said she would never let them marry.After much begging she gave her consent to the marriage.If she had just left then she would have saved herself 2years of pain and humiliation.
    @aunty–Was it a woman that preached?Some man kept on telling me how wondeful the sermon was( yeah promiscous men would like that)I know its cool to be submissive but..lol

  7. The person who preached that sermon is not serious. I find such talk very silly. I see you with a woman in my bed and I just keep quiet and do ‘business as usual’. I don’t think that’s being virtuous o. Anyway, to each his own. Me I no go do sha – but God forbid – e no go happen to me in Jesus’ name.
    Kpakpando is so right, the time to ‘shine your eye well well’ is BEFORE the big ‘I dos’. We should be careful and watch for the signs. No too much lovey lovey at the expense of good sense.
    Oh and who is claiming to be the boys’ fave aunt??!! You wan fight??!

  8. men who beat up their wives/boyfreinds who beat up their girlfreinds should be ashamed of themselves. To beat up a woman those not show strength but cowardice

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